Reviewed by Jeanne
As a child, I picked up a joke book which had an anecdote
about a man visiting a cemetery. As he
put flowers on a grave, he noticed another man putting a food offering on a
grave. The first man laughed loudly and
said, “So, when do you think your friend is going to come out and eat that
food?” The second man replied, “When your friend comes out to smell the
flowers.”
This was my introduction to the fact that mourning customs can
vary widely and there is no one right way to pay respects to the dead. Growing up, Memorial Day was a day when one
went to the various graveyards and put flowers on all the family graves: failure to do so was a disgrace that brought
shame on the family. Later I was
surprised to discover that Memorial Day was actually meant to honor only those
who had died in service and our insistence on decorating all the graves was an
aberration.
That’s why when I saw the book with the vivid pink cover and
flower bedecked skull, I had to take a closer look. I was also attracted by the
“Lonely Planet” part of the title, wondering why an imprint known for its
travel books would take on such a topic.
The book’s subtitle, “How Global Grieving Customs Can Help Us Live (and
Die) Well” offered a pretty good clue, as did the table of contents. The book is divided up into four main
categories: Celebrating, Commemorating, Mourning, and Offering. Under each heading is an article on a
particular culture’s observance, such as Irish Wake, New Orleans jazz funeral,
fantasy coffins of Ghana, Lakota soul keepers, and so forth.
Each article is a respectful look at how a culture handles
death. While not in depth, there are
beautiful color photographs and notes about various aspects of funerary rites,
rituals, beliefs, and customs. The Irish
wake reminded me in some respects of the Appalachian custom of sitting up with
the dead, which I had heard stories about from older family members. Music
plays a big role in many cultures, as does food. Certain plants may be associated with death,
such as calla lilies in Western cultures or eucalyptus bark in Aboriginal
rites.
The photographs are wonderful and I was fascinated by the ways
that people observe death, grief, and loss. In Ghanaian culture there are
coffins that look like lions or a fishing boat or a cell phone or a mermaid,
created to reflect the personality or desires of the deceased. These are one of a kind art objects, and some
of the makers have become well-known artists such as Paa Joe.
Attention is paid to the views about death held by different
religions, including Christianity, Judaism, Islam, and Buddhism. Ancient Egyptian culture is also addressed
and symbols such as the phoenix and the Grim Reaper.
Along the way, there are sidebars with gentle, helpful notes
about the grieving process, poems, songs, and commentary. There is also a
section on preparing for death: end of life doulas, Swedish death cleaning, or
making funeral arrangements, including some thoughtful ideas about
alternatives—body donation, green burials, etc.
There is an index, but unfortunately it is a bit limited. For
example, there was no entry for “grave goods,” those items either buried with a
person or left at a graveside, though there were some references in with the
individual cultures. A friend who
documents cemeteries sometimes mentions the items she’s seen left on
gravestones, anything from charms to rocks to photos to children’s toys. I once
saw a can of beer and a pack of chewing gum—both unopened, so obviously left in
memory.
The reviews I saw remarked on how ultimately uplifting the
book is, and I certainly found that to be true.
There is no one way to grieve, no right way to memorialize the
dead. I’ve always enjoyed reading books
about other cultures and traditions, and this is a truly fascinating look at
what is, after all, a fact of life.
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